THE HARMONIOUS COUPLE – CASES OF HARMONIOUS RELATIONSHIPS (BRYAN AND SUE) PART 2

Sue did not adore Bryan as he did her, but she did love him dearly. She valued his loyalty and good nature and devil-ishness, and—yes—even his crudity. They were all part of the man she married. She loved Bryan and she loved their son, Bryan Jr., immensely, doting on him and making him feel special. (“Junior” became a star athelete and later a successful football coach.)

Bryan and Sue had an active life with many friends, were members of bowling and bridge leagues. They owned a cabin by a lake where they would spend summer weekends with friends. Theirs was an ordinary life filled with ordinary pastimes—but it was a contented, productive life: He did his job at the lumber company well; she did her job as housewife well; and they raised a well-adjusted son.

The couple shared an optimistic view of life that helped to buoy and bond them through the years. They also shared a deep commitment to the relationship, thus keeping it alive. They did not have to talk about things very much; over the years they became very familiar with one another and knew or sensed most of what needed to be done and when. They enjoyed a well-tuned, harmonious partnership.

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GAMES FOR ABSTINENT COUPLES – GAME 3: SHOCK THERAPY (PART 1)

Players: Husband and wife. Activist: Either. Setting: Home.

Aim: To shock the uninterested spouse out of his or her “stupor” of lack of interest.

Game Plan: Back in the old days there was a movie cliche according to which somebody would go into a trance or flight of hysteria, and a second person, finally having enough of that, would slap or shake the first person, and then the slapee or shakee would exclaim, “Thanks—I needed that.” This game is reminiscent of such a scene.

Let us say that the uninterested spouse is a husband who sits around watching sports on television or tinkers in his yard or shop. If his wife attempts to communicate with him, he grunts a word or two and then dismisses her. Or perhaps he appeases her with some kind of “Whatever you say, dear” response. This sort of thing can go on for years—and the wife can become quite frustrated. If she doesn’t find an outlet for the anger that accumulates, she will get to where she can no longer even stand to look at him and to where she behaves in exactly the way that is bound to keep him stuck in his uncommunicative place. (Indeed, she generally has an unconscious need to keep him in that place.) He needs to be roused from his stupor and made aware of how he is both suppressing his feelings and precluding not only his sex life but his relationship in general.

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GAMES FOR UNATTRACTED COUPLES – GAME 4: VIDEO SEX (PART 3)

Next the activist spouse asks the mate to join him or her in acting out the erotic scenes they have just observed in the movie. He or she may say, “Remember when we were kids and we used to act out scenes from the Saturday movies?” In acting out their own erotic scenes, focusing on the re-creation of the scenes from the movie that most stimulated them, they will forget for an hour the blocks that have prevented them from sexual intimacy. The sex may even be surprisingly good (stirred by the erotic video), and afterwards they may even say out loud, “I wonder why I made such a big deal out of your fat hips” or “I can’t understand how I used your hairy chest as an excuse to avoid sex for all those years.”

As usual, the sex should be followed by a frank discussion.

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GAMES FOR ANGRY COUPLES – TREATMENT

One such couple who came into treatment consisted of an alcoholic man and his equally alcoholic wife. He was a failed musician who blamed his failure on his wife: “If it weren’t for you, I could have been somebody.” He held her responsible for holding him down, including in his rationalization her bringing their four children into the world. (His wife had become pregnant when they were only seeing one another, and he’d felt obliged to marry her.) He felt his life had been literally destroyed by his wife, and he continually lambasted her for that. He would typically come home drunk after work and begin hammering away at her, verbally and sometimes physically, taking out any daily frustration on her and always ending up by blaming her for everything.

The wife, meanwhile, was a martyr type who also blamed her spouse for everything: “I don’t know why I put up with this hell,” she would moan again and again, each time her husband battered her. She clutched her four children tightly to herself and turned them against their father, telling them he was an evil drunkard and that she should leave him. But when they gave their permission for her to do so (even urged her to), she could not do so. Down deep she was too insecure to separate from him because she had had a disturbing childhood, yet had never been able to separate from her psychologically abusive parents. Nor could she refrain from talking back to him, and sometimes instigating quarrels—both of which actions her children begged her to avoid.

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GAMES FOR IMPULSIVE COUPLES – GAME 1: DELAYED GRATIFICATION (PART 3)

By delaying their gratification and withstanding temptation, this couple are building up their egos—that is, their capability to deal with the frustrations of life, of which the sexual frustrations of their marriage are merely a part. The exercise will also ameliorate symptoms of sexual dysfunction that are a part of impulsive personalities, such as premature ejaculation, shallow orgasms, and frigidity. In addition, as they resist temptation, they will get in touch with feelings of shame and rage.

The second part of this game consists of verbalizing thoughts and feelings that emanate from the frustration of their immediate desire.

“I hate waiting for sex.”

“I don’t see the point of this. It’s stupid.”

“Nobody ever waited for anything in my family.”

“Nor in mine. Well, maybe we’ll appreciate it more if we wait.”

“I doubt it.”

“You know, there’s something strangely liberating about waiting.”

“I know what you mean. We can stop running now.” Actually, they do end up appreciating sex more, as well as respecting themselves more. Eventually they get in touch with the shame that is associated with their inability to tolerate frustration, as well as with narcissistic rage and an attitude of entitlement.

Verbalizing these feelings and understanding them will put them in a different mode of being, one based more on mature self- and mutual respect. As they understand these feelings more, they will have less of a need to avoid them—hence their sexual relationship, and very likely their relationship in general, will be ever deeper and more rewarding.

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